2008 Woodie Awards
The Blood, Sweat, Tears Dating Service
Toria Savey
Issue date: 2/12/08 Section: Opinion
It's Valentine's Day. That means that it's time to talk about relationships. Actually, forget it. You know what? If you're single at this exact moment in time, good for you. I would rather have you single than dating the guy who was sitting next to me at Applebee's who made a delightful noise I can only describe as "snorfing" in between undelightfully misogynistic jokes.
However. If you are a gentleman pondering why you're wasting your sensitivity, love of chick flicks and good music, as well as million dollar fortune, by just sitting home every night doing pro-bono legal work to save orphans and kittens, welcome to the BST Dating Service! We put the blood, sweat and tears into dating.™
Our first bachelorette spends her spare time copy editing and being stunningly beautiful. It's tough work, but we sure appreciate it. Appreciation of the Toyota Prius' coasting ability is a must. Specifically, her Prius, Archimedes. Also, elephants are her favorite animals. (She made me add that.)
Our second bachelorette is currently trying to come up with a crossword clue for "nookie" to put in the Features section. She's a snappy dresser who loves concerts and could graphic design you into next century over a cup of coffee. Which is impressive, since it's only 2008.
Our third bachelorette works three jobs and goes to school full-time. It's hard to be perfect 24/7, but somehow, she manages it. She comes with grace, a pleasant disposition, a knack for unbiased news, and a Starbucks employee discount. Needy guys really need-y not apply.
And ladies, if you're bored because you're not currently doing an ad campaign for Victoria's Secret, or you just can't find enough to spend your trust fund on, we have a little Valentine treat for you as well. Our in-house bachelor is house-trained, doesn't drink or smoke, and is magically fast with his fingers…on a Mac. He's laid back and charmingly casual. I mean, he's bought the same pair of shoes four times. That's the definition of loyalty, kids. Also, he's got some pretty sweet rims on his vehicle - just so you know.
If you're interested or feel that you may be worthy of any of our individuals here at the BST Dating Service, please e-mail me with a current resume including references, a relationship history, and a copy of your federal tax return for last year.
However. If you are a gentleman pondering why you're wasting your sensitivity, love of chick flicks and good music, as well as million dollar fortune, by just sitting home every night doing pro-bono legal work to save orphans and kittens, welcome to the BST Dating Service! We put the blood, sweat and tears into dating.™
Our first bachelorette spends her spare time copy editing and being stunningly beautiful. It's tough work, but we sure appreciate it. Appreciation of the Toyota Prius' coasting ability is a must. Specifically, her Prius, Archimedes. Also, elephants are her favorite animals. (She made me add that.)
Our second bachelorette is currently trying to come up with a crossword clue for "nookie" to put in the Features section. She's a snappy dresser who loves concerts and could graphic design you into next century over a cup of coffee. Which is impressive, since it's only 2008.
Our third bachelorette works three jobs and goes to school full-time. It's hard to be perfect 24/7, but somehow, she manages it. She comes with grace, a pleasant disposition, a knack for unbiased news, and a Starbucks employee discount. Needy guys really need-y not apply.
And ladies, if you're bored because you're not currently doing an ad campaign for Victoria's Secret, or you just can't find enough to spend your trust fund on, we have a little Valentine treat for you as well. Our in-house bachelor is house-trained, doesn't drink or smoke, and is magically fast with his fingers…on a Mac. He's laid back and charmingly casual. I mean, he's bought the same pair of shoes four times. That's the definition of loyalty, kids. Also, he's got some pretty sweet rims on his vehicle - just so you know.
If you're interested or feel that you may be worthy of any of our individuals here at the BST Dating Service, please e-mail me with a current resume including references, a relationship history, and a copy of your federal tax return for last year.
Viewing Comments 1 - 3 of 5
JT$
posted 2/12/08 @ 10:31 PM PST
Hook BOTW dude up with the copy editor chick and call it a day. I heard he has an extra ticket to Step Up 2 for Valentine's Day...
:)
Bachelorette #2
posted 2/13/08 @ 5:37 PM PST
JT$! You're so funny! This Pride dating service just might work out...
JT$
posted 2/14/08 @ 12:09 AM PST
I like it when "things" "work" "out." LOL.
I heard through the tomato vine that BOTW dude gets out of school at 3PMish on Valentine's Day...so I heard. (Continued…)
Post a Comment