2008 Woodie Awards
Blood, Sweat, Tears, Gas
Toria Savey
Issue date: 3/4/08 Section: Opinion
So, I just bartered my firstborn this morning in exchange for a tank of gas. Luckily, we've already discussed my feelings about children, so it was actually a win-win deal. The guy even threw in a Diet Coke.
Kidding aside, not that I've been kidding so far, a lot of people complain about the cost of gas. But I'm not hearing a lot of these whining lame-cakes coming up with solutions. I have the answer though:
We should go to war with a country that has oil and take theirs.
Wait. That could backfire. Ok, I have a better solution.
We genetically engineer more dinosaurs a la Jurassic Park. Once we're done teaching them tricks and studying them, bonding with our large new reptilian friends, we slaughter them mercilessly, and boom, more fossil fuel.
No, I'm sure I can do better. We can just find ways to work without gas. I've heard a lot about these hybrid-electric vehicles. New plan: feral cat-electric vehicles. People still aren't following that whole "spay and neuter your pets" thing. Answer to rising feral cat population problem? Teach them to pull cars. It'll be like running an Iditerod every day just to get to work or the grocery store. Since BST doesn't approve of whipping your sled cats though, I recommend that you train them to work on positive reinforcement. For every mile your 500 feral cats pull you, give them a bag of Skittles.
Actually, I have a less messy idea. You could just carpool. Then you can split the gas cost between yourself and someone that you liked in the beginning but have slowly began to hate, a person whose inability to throw away empty pudding cups that somehow end up under your seat and snorting giggle you come to consider death-penalty worth offenses. Carpooling is delightful.
You could just make sure you recycle your grocery store bags. In 60 years, if you recycle every single one, you'll have probably 50 mile worth of gas. Or better yet, just recycle all your beer bottles, and use the money to buy more Skittles for your feral cat mobile.
Kidding aside, not that I've been kidding so far, a lot of people complain about the cost of gas. But I'm not hearing a lot of these whining lame-cakes coming up with solutions. I have the answer though:
We should go to war with a country that has oil and take theirs.
Wait. That could backfire. Ok, I have a better solution.
We genetically engineer more dinosaurs a la Jurassic Park. Once we're done teaching them tricks and studying them, bonding with our large new reptilian friends, we slaughter them mercilessly, and boom, more fossil fuel.
No, I'm sure I can do better. We can just find ways to work without gas. I've heard a lot about these hybrid-electric vehicles. New plan: feral cat-electric vehicles. People still aren't following that whole "spay and neuter your pets" thing. Answer to rising feral cat population problem? Teach them to pull cars. It'll be like running an Iditerod every day just to get to work or the grocery store. Since BST doesn't approve of whipping your sled cats though, I recommend that you train them to work on positive reinforcement. For every mile your 500 feral cats pull you, give them a bag of Skittles.
Actually, I have a less messy idea. You could just carpool. Then you can split the gas cost between yourself and someone that you liked in the beginning but have slowly began to hate, a person whose inability to throw away empty pudding cups that somehow end up under your seat and snorting giggle you come to consider death-penalty worth offenses. Carpooling is delightful.
You could just make sure you recycle your grocery store bags. In 60 years, if you recycle every single one, you'll have probably 50 mile worth of gas. Or better yet, just recycle all your beer bottles, and use the money to buy more Skittles for your feral cat mobile.
Viewing Comments 1 - 3 of 3
Striz
Nick Strizver
posted 3/03/08 @ 10:52 PM PST
Or even better, you can get jellied cats... here's the video. http://www.linkrook.com/249_Watch_video
Or if you just get enough cheetahs, you could actually go quite far. (Continued…)
Toria
posted 3/03/08 @ 11:35 PM PST
I laughed until it hurt. Why did I not think of this BEFORE I wrote the column?
JT$
posted 3/03/08 @ 11:41 PM PST
Yay! I had to read it twice to make up for last week's absence. I then read it a third time and almost OD'd. Then my cat gave me some of the skittles that I gave him and I survived. (Continued…)
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