2008 Woodie Awards
10,000 BC
A million creative pre-historic options, and it still sucks
Toria Savey
Issue date: 3/11/08 Section: Entertainment
Three little words: Deus ex machina. For those of you who don't speak Latin, it's a device, usually divine, magical, or technological, which allows the character to solve an unsolvable problem. It's a cop out, an excuse for an improbable plot to shamble on when it should have had the decency to die.
I'd write "spoiler alert," but there's really nothing to spoil. The main character's problems were solved, in sequence, by getting stuck in a net and getting his spear stuck in a rock.
Then, obviously, he received help from carnivorous ostriches, a saber tooth tiger, a star, a blind albino-midget, a scar on "[his] woman's" hand, a mammoth, an old woman and some beans. No, really, it all makes sense.
The beans grew into grass, which can apparently feed an entire tribe. I guess they were secretly made of lawnmowers. Really, it all fit into the prophecies.
The movie manages to score a couple cheap laughs with some shots to the groin and boyish bravado, but that's about all there was to it. The accents were horrible, the fight scenes poorly choreographed and rendered, the costumes made it hard to keep a straight face, and the dialogue made me die a little inside.
I can't think of many worse theater movies, mostly because movies this bad usually make up for their inadequacies with nudity.
Do yourself a favor: drink a lot before you go, or go see something else. One way or the other, spare yourself the irritation of having to remember 10,000 BC.
I'd write "spoiler alert," but there's really nothing to spoil. The main character's problems were solved, in sequence, by getting stuck in a net and getting his spear stuck in a rock.
Then, obviously, he received help from carnivorous ostriches, a saber tooth tiger, a star, a blind albino-midget, a scar on "[his] woman's" hand, a mammoth, an old woman and some beans. No, really, it all makes sense.
The beans grew into grass, which can apparently feed an entire tribe. I guess they were secretly made of lawnmowers. Really, it all fit into the prophecies.
The movie manages to score a couple cheap laughs with some shots to the groin and boyish bravado, but that's about all there was to it. The accents were horrible, the fight scenes poorly choreographed and rendered, the costumes made it hard to keep a straight face, and the dialogue made me die a little inside.
I can't think of many worse theater movies, mostly because movies this bad usually make up for their inadequacies with nudity.
Do yourself a favor: drink a lot before you go, or go see something else. One way or the other, spare yourself the irritation of having to remember 10,000 BC.
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