2008 Woodie Awards
Blood, Sweat, Tears, Animal Crackers
Toria Savey
Issue date: 3/18/08 Section: Opinion
Dear Animal Cracker People,
I've finally reached my limit. I can take no more. Your incompetence has haunted me since I was a small child, and today, we settle this once and for all.
There was no higher treat as a tiny person than your own box of delicious and educational animal crackers. It was like an edible National Geographic special. They also contained significantly less false advertising than those frosted circus animals (At the age of 5, I went to the circus expecting to see pink-spotted deliciousness and instead got a bunch of depressed elephants.)
After years of eating your product though, I can no longer eat or sleep until I bring a problem to your attention. With every box I open, I should be able to start an entire zoo on my tabletop. Yet, as with a classic example from a box consumed on March 17, 2008, I got five sheep and only half of a hippo's hind end.
To be perfectly honest, cracker people, I am no shepherd. Nor would I take anyone to a zoo that had five sheep, a couple camels, a hippo's bum, and only the trunk of an elephant. I have a walrus without a head. What do you expect me to do? Call Ripley's Believe It or Not? Open a sideshow? SETTLE FOR LESS THAN I DESERVE?!?
In addition, I've had an extremely tough week. I understand that divine healing, funeral arrangements and hair straightening probably don't fall under your company's jurisdiction, but I really don't know how I'm expected to accomplish or support any of those things when all I have is one left side of a rhinoceros.
Perhaps it isn't your fault as employees of the Cracker Zoological Foundation. Perhaps these are all accidents that happen during shipping. But I beg you, please consider taking a more proactive approach. If these "accidents" all happen during transit, then there is veritable massacre taking place between your holding pens and the supermarkets of this country. As responsible entrepreneurs, I would advise you to consider other methods for moving your animals. Perhaps if you put them in breathable crates, with each animal surrounded by its own silk pillows, I wouldn't have just the tail and a single rear leg of a donkey.
I'm sure you're not intentionally trying to upset me, and I'm aware that no problem can be resolved until it is brought to a company's attention. But now that you know, please, I beg of you, take the necessary steps so that I, and the good people of this nation, never have to settle for headless lions again.
Love and kisses,
Toria
I've finally reached my limit. I can take no more. Your incompetence has haunted me since I was a small child, and today, we settle this once and for all.
There was no higher treat as a tiny person than your own box of delicious and educational animal crackers. It was like an edible National Geographic special. They also contained significantly less false advertising than those frosted circus animals (At the age of 5, I went to the circus expecting to see pink-spotted deliciousness and instead got a bunch of depressed elephants.)
After years of eating your product though, I can no longer eat or sleep until I bring a problem to your attention. With every box I open, I should be able to start an entire zoo on my tabletop. Yet, as with a classic example from a box consumed on March 17, 2008, I got five sheep and only half of a hippo's hind end.
To be perfectly honest, cracker people, I am no shepherd. Nor would I take anyone to a zoo that had five sheep, a couple camels, a hippo's bum, and only the trunk of an elephant. I have a walrus without a head. What do you expect me to do? Call Ripley's Believe It or Not? Open a sideshow? SETTLE FOR LESS THAN I DESERVE?!?
In addition, I've had an extremely tough week. I understand that divine healing, funeral arrangements and hair straightening probably don't fall under your company's jurisdiction, but I really don't know how I'm expected to accomplish or support any of those things when all I have is one left side of a rhinoceros.
Perhaps it isn't your fault as employees of the Cracker Zoological Foundation. Perhaps these are all accidents that happen during shipping. But I beg you, please consider taking a more proactive approach. If these "accidents" all happen during transit, then there is veritable massacre taking place between your holding pens and the supermarkets of this country. As responsible entrepreneurs, I would advise you to consider other methods for moving your animals. Perhaps if you put them in breathable crates, with each animal surrounded by its own silk pillows, I wouldn't have just the tail and a single rear leg of a donkey.
I'm sure you're not intentionally trying to upset me, and I'm aware that no problem can be resolved until it is brought to a company's attention. But now that you know, please, I beg of you, take the necessary steps so that I, and the good people of this nation, never have to settle for headless lions again.
Love and kisses,
Toria
Viewing Comments 1 - 4 of 4
JT$
posted 3/18/08 @ 5:58 AM PST
LOL. Another good one. I seriously woke up at 5:30am and the first that I thought to myself was...ahh crap I still have finance homework because I consumed excessive amounts of liquids last night. (Continued…)
Bill
posted 3/18/08 @ 6:24 PM PST
hahaha. Do you go with the plain graham craker or the barnum's sweet glaze style?
Amanda
posted 3/20/08 @ 3:49 PM PST
I think this one is my favorite so far :)!!
D
posted 3/22/08 @ 1:45 PM PST
Toria,
Another great one. I love your articles. How about one on Manners? Whether fast food workers, store workers or anywhere in general I am astounded by the lack of manners that I encounter. (Continued…)
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